Exploring self-compassion and its role in supporting self-management for health & wellbeing challenges

 

In my blog writing, I’ll be introducing the role of self-compassion for living with fatigue & pain, supporting mental & emotional wellbeing, and managing stress & burnout. 
I’ll be outlining why I consider it to have a valuable role in supporting self-management & supporting those of us living with these kinds of health challenges, as well as for our own sense of wellbeing in general.

Working in occupational therapy mental health and fatigue & pain services, I’ve found self-compassion to be an ever-present concept where I find myself weaving it into & through my sessions…..holding space, gently guiding, moving alongside, supporting people with slowly, gently building self-compassion into their lives…..

Often starting with bringing a gentle curiosity to the notion of self-compassion, most people I start working with generally reflect on how they tend to show little kindness to themselves, often acknowledging feeling lazy when they have to take time out to rest, or feeling selfish if they put themselves first in any way.
It’s so hard when pain, stress, fatigue, mental & emotional health challenges just aren’t visible symptoms……….many people often report not feeling validated or understood by others, and this can go hand in hand with living in a society that tends to give value to how busy and productive we are.
All this can often lead to living amidst routines and patterns that can build on unhelpful cycles just to get through the day…. quite understandably, this isn’t helpful for building on the foundations of self-compassion and I’ve often heard people remark they feel like they’re just existing day to day through the impact of their health challenges and not knowing how to make the changes to build on a fuller life for themselves.

Admittedly, I haven’t always acknowledged the full importance of self-compassion for me to live my life well….. I’d always being a ‘warrior’ woman, single parent, juggling life stressors & stressful, demanding job roles……and I figured I was ‘kind enough’ to myself over the years.
It was only when we experienced a heart-breaking family tragedy that I had to really take on board everything I knew, everything I’d learnt & read about self-compassion and really apply it & finetune it to my own lived experience.
I had to start listening to the signs my body was giving me, put the brakes on ‘pushing through’, ease up on myself, set boundaries for myself and how I was living my life…..all through a lens of cultivating self-compassion so I could support my own emotional wellbeing, and in turn, support the needs of my teenage family in the challenges ahead that we faced…..

Understanding myself and learning how to ease up on my mind & body to support my participation in life, has really helped to strengthen my values & commitment for the work that I do & my true passion for championing self-compassion and how it can enhance our lives.

 

So, how can building on the foundations of self-compassion be helpful?

By learning more about ourselves and how we engage in our daily lives we can start to bring some awareness to how we respond and react in our daily patterns of routines, habits, roles, responsibilities & general activity levels – whether that’s from a sense of under-doing or over-doing.

 

Bringing a curiosity to these daily patterns and interactions with other people and the world around us can give us a wealth of information, a whole load of data about ourselves, where we can essentially learn more about what makes us ‘tick’:
We can begin to bring a ‘gentle’ awareness to our thoughts, emotions, behaviours, our patterns of engaging, our patterns of reactivity to ourselves & towards others, the expectations we may put on ourselves or expectations from others.

 

We can begin to bring awareness to how our body, in turn, reacts to all of this going on: the impact of critical thoughts like we ‘should’ be able to do certain things, we ‘could’ be doing more if we tried harder; the impact of strong emotions like frustration or impatience around what we’re doing or maybe not doing; noticing the impact of behaviours like ‘pushing through’ to try & complete our never-ending ‘to do’ list.

Bringing a gentle awareness to how this shows up in our body, we can learn to notice the signs our ‘clever’ body is giving us that maybe we can go easier on ourselves a bit – signs like increased pain, tension or fatigue; feeling heavy & sluggish; increased feelings of stress & dysregulation in our body – before we maybe ‘crash’ or our mood starts to dip….

What’s it like to show a bit of gentle curiosity to our body? It will always give us signs that something is ‘off’.....things like tightening, tensing & reacting when we push through or when we’re experiencing charged emotions. Here, our ‘clever’ bodies think we’re in some sort of ‘danger’ and so it tries to give us signs to go easy on ourselves.
But how many of us notice the signals & do this?

What’s it like to relate to these signs of discomfort in a different way? In a more gentle, attentive way?
Ok, it may not be a body we like very much as maybe it’s always tired, feeling sluggish, in pain, and prevents us from doing what we’d really like to do.....but can we bring some gentle reflections to what our body does do for us day to day?
Can we gently respond and check in with what our body might need in our next moments:
-maybe a gentle stretch
-a gentle shift of posture
-a short comfort break......
-maybe some mindful breathing just to take a pause & re-set
-maybe exploring how we might re-prioritise our next activity & maybe take a bit of a break before we really need it.....maybe reflecting on whether we’re likely to be in more discomfort from ‘pushing through’
-maybe it’s something else our body needs.....

Maybe we can offer ourselves a little reflection on how we might respond to a loved one or a pet when it’s in discomfort, and the kindly attention we may direct to them in their next moments.....
What might it look like to show that same compassion and kindly attention to ourselves a little more often?
What might that look like for us?
How might we build this in a little to our day, the formation of a gentle, helpful habit?

 

Putting all this together with a gentle curiosity, there can be some common themes that come up for people. This can particularly be around our ‘harsh inner critic’ - how we can speak to ourselves, which may be in the form of subtle, or not so subtle put-downs, but just not being that nice or supportive….
This can also be around a default mode of simply ‘ignoring’ our body to get things done, tending to be on automatic & in our busy ‘to do list’ heads – only stopping when we really have to & we can no longer ignore the potentially intense signs of pain, increased tension, exhaustion, brain fog & feelings of overwhelm in the body.

 

By moving towards exploring & bringing a kindly awareness to how we might start to ease up on ourself, even just a little, we can begin to cultivate shifts in self-kindness & self-care for ourselves, for our body, for calming our minds a little. We can begin to bring a gentle spotlight of awareness on how we might begin to show up to our daily lives.
We may wish to invite an intention for beginning to gently build on what helps, responding with a little kindness to what we need, what our bodies need, what helps to regulate our minds and body.
I’ve noted a few things below that we can maybe begin to ask & reflect on for ourselves, with a kindly curiosity (with a little, relevant duplication!):

 

Can I begin to re-frame how I speak to myself? Can I soften my harsh inner dialogue?
Would I seriously speak to my friend like that?
Disrupting the cycle of self-criticism can help soften the cycle of strong emotions like frustration, impatience, and the impact of judgemental thoughts to ourself.
We can start by gently noticing these charged emotions and thoughts, bringing some awareness and acknowledging they’re there. We might be surprised how often they show up, and we may notice how this shows up in the body (I mentioned this earlier too), maybe a tightening in our chest, tension in our jaw or shoulders....it’s really interesting stuff, noticing how a cycle of reactivity can show up in our body when we experience charged thoughts and emotions...it may also be unsettling & we can invite some moments of connection with our body if so.
Here we can invite ourselves to take some slow, deep inhales and exhales, inviting some steadiness and soothing to our body and emotional regulation system.
At these times, can we respond with some supportive, kinder words to ourself when we notice being impatient to ourself, or noticing our reactions of harsh, critical thoughts......can we invite a gentle reflection on whether we’d speak to other people in our lives with such harsh words or charged emotions......

 

Can I begin to ‘check in’ with my body a little during the day?
Am I ‘pushing through’ & ‘ignoring’ my body?
Again, I mentioned the body a little earlier in this context, and am now breaking it down a little. Have you got the picture how important I view our relationship with our body for gentle self-compassion work?
Building in ‘comfort breaks’ doesn’t have to be for very long but it’s a lovely sentiment for supporting a pause, some ‘comfort’ for ourselves when we notice we haven’t stopped and maybe are in default mode starter-finisher mindset, and our bodies are starting to feel the strain...
What might a comfort break look like for us?
-maybe it’s a loo break (seriously, how many times might we hold off until we’ve finished a task?)
-maybe we need a drink or mental break or fresh air..
-maybe some ‘comfort’ for our body - a gentle stretch, a change of posture, gentle movement.
Engaging with our body in this way can begin to support the concept for us to take a break before we/our bodies really need it, before things like exhaustion & overwhelm might set in, which can potentially lead to ‘crash’ periods when we do this for sustained periods of time.
It's a bit like filling our car up with fuel before it runs out on the motorway, or charging our ‘phones up so they don’t run out mid-call/mid-browsing……it’s interesting that maybe we don’t treat our body the same way.....

 

How I can take a little more care of myself & my body?
Can I start to prioritise what I can feasibly do each day?
Balancing out our daily activity & daily demands isn’t always straightforward.
Can we invite some kindness & support to ourselves for any shifts we start to make in our daily rhythms towards pacing, planning, prioritising our daily demands….Can we invite awareness to how our body feels & invite gentle reflections on how we may respond with a little care…?
Can we invite reflections on what can help our body relax & rest a little?
This doesn’t have to be for very long, maybe reframing the word ‘rest’ to support short ‘comfort breaks’.
What can help support an intention for easing resistance & tension in our body, & help balance out our energy through the day a little more?

 

What help might I need to do this?
What would it be like to begin to set some boundaries with myself to support my own self-care?
Setting boundaries with ourself is a beautifully empowering means of self-care, and remains a challenge when we are used to putting others first & don’t feel we have a choice at times in our life
Maybe we can we support a gentle shift in awareness towards noticing when our ‘powerful yet amazing’ minds are taking over & leading us into over-doing mode.
Maybe we can bring awareness towards noticing the signs our ‘clever’ bodies are giving us that it’s struggling, the signs it’s giving us to maybe ease up on ourselves.
What might it look like to move towards a gentle response of care to our body in our next moments?

 

How can building on self-compassion help me in managing my health & wellbeing needs?
Bringing a gentle intention of starting to build on things like the small steps above into our day can begin the process of supporting and guiding us through personal pathways that can support health needs over time.
Pathways of well-being and self-management may look different to each of us, we may need to adapt & make changes along the way, we may need to start over again and again, we may need to take a different path……. Can we be kind to ourselves in the process?

Whilst what I’ve described may appear simple concepts, I do want to validate that none of this is easy, none of this is a ‘quick fix’, as we can so easily fall into old habits, old self-judgements (as well as our bodies being clever, so too are our minds, and they can be very tricky to navigate at times!).....but this too can be a gentle process of noticing our narrative, over & over, and seeing how we might throw a few kindly sentiments our way.....it all helps to gently build a path of self-compassion, as I’ve touched on below.
When we’ve started to move towards making shifts in weaving self-compassion into our lives, it can serve to support us during times of challenge and disruption, when life gets stormy again....and again.....as life does....it’s here that the practices we may have built on can be a place to return to a little sooner…..and can be comforting little places of kindly self-soothing practices & strategies during such potential storms.

 

Final words......Building on self-compassion is a way of life....
It’s a way for us to engage with the world, building on subtle shifts and awareness of how we move through the world.
It can become a really helpful & supportive way of living, where we can become more in touch with ourselves and our needs.
It can support a really helpful shift in building on our confidence for truly making ourselves more of a priority in our own lives, which is particularly helpful when we may be living with the challenges of fatigue & pain, needing to manage challenges of our mental & emotional wellbeing, and symptoms of stress & burnout.